You’re counting down the days until your first day of grown up school, so I am counting down the ways to survive your first day. It’s a big, bad world out there, so I am going to try our best to help you get by. Here’s what not to do on your first day of college:

12) Don’t Fall In Love

A lot off attractive people arrive on the first day looking their very best dressed to impress. Don’t fall madly in love with the first beautiful person you see, only to not talk to them until you’re messy drunk on the first night out. My “friend” told me that this happens.

11) Don’t Make Friend With the Friendliest Person You Meet

*Cue awkward small talk in three weeks time when you have actual friends*

10) Don’t Join ALL The Societies

There is never free pizza, the people are too enthusiastic and your inbox will never be the same again.

9) Don’t Run Through Campus Like An Imbecile

There is no lecture so important, no practical so essential, no assignment so late that you should ever run through campus. Even the ones there on athletic scholarships won’t arrive at their destination sweaty and red-faced and out of breath. Be cool.

8) Don’t Walk Into Your First Lecture On The Phone

Again, this happened to a friend on his first day of college and not to me (ahem) and generally is a good way to have your lecturer despise you for the rest of the year/until you finish your degree.

7) Don’t Try To Endear Yourself To Campus Security

This is one for the new kids living on campus. They already hate you, they want to fine you, they want to kick you out at their earliest convenience, so do not and I repeat, do not commit the following crime….

6) DON’T Throw The First House Party

Because it will get out of hand and because sixty people don’t fit into campus accommodation. Someone has to host the first one. Don’t let it be you. Besides, have you ever tried cleaning up an entire houseful of shit while severely hungover? Horrendous would be an understatement.

5) Don’t Waste Your Money Buying Books Brand New

Some actual practical academic advice. Books are expensive and are generally useless for most of the year. New editions will generally have e-book downloads, but if you really need a hard copy, older students will be selling them. So don’t spend all your hard-earned grant money on books on the first day of college when it can be put to a better, more drunken use. Just saying….

4) Don’t Bother Joining The Gym

If you’re good enough to join one of the sports teams, you’ll probably get a free membership. If not, save your money for beer and go for a jog. Be wise here, wise and thrifty.

3) Don’t Get Too Attached To Your Stationery

You might* find yourself with the smelliest of broken Biro’s when the first round of exams roll around and that’s ok too.
(*Definitely will)

2) Please Don’t Be THAT Guy

If Facebook ever brings back “the one who”, he’d be the one who puked on someone or passed out or had his stomach pumped or went missing for two days. Do something that Barney Stinson would call legendary because you WILL look like a bellend for the rest of your days.

1) Don’t Completely Ignore the Mature Student

So this is one for both the matures and the young ones. They will ask the questions you won’t, make sure the class is always clear on deadlines and generally make you feel a bit cooler. They are usually pretty decent human beings underneath it all and can be so helpful if you’re in a group assignment and you’re struggling to keep up. Gee thanks Pal.